No sane person likes to suffer. Even more than that, no human likes to suffer alone.

Each of us has this internal desire to lend a helping hand to those we love when they are going through a difficult time.

However, not all help is good help.

As a pastor, I have spent a large amount of time with many people who are suffering. I don't consider myself an expert in this area. In fact, I am writing this, in part, to help remind myself.

These guidelines are birthed out of hours in waiting rooms, holding hands and praying with friends, family, and members of our church, and just generally desiring to be more effective in loving and serving those I care about. By no means is this list exhaustive, but please apply these principles to your situation as you see fit.

1. Do things without being asked.

Suffering is confusing. Due to its chaotic nature, most sufferers do not really know what they need. It sounds nice to tell a friend who is suffering, "Let me know if I can do anything," but rarely does that ever translate into actual help. If a loved one is struggling, don't wait for them to ask you to do something for them. Like the Nike slogan says, "Just Do It." Be wise and creative in your assistance, but respond quickly.

2. Be present, but give enough space.

One of the most encouraging things a sufferer can receive from a friend is a deep understanding that "I am with you in this." Yet, we shouldn't let that impulse overwhelm those we are trying to care for and we shouldn't try to console ourselves by looking to those who are suffering for our own comfort. If we do these things, our help becomes counterproductive and it drains the sufferer more than it helps them. If we need consolation, we should find outside help. Some other practical tips include the following: (a) respect a hospital's visiting hours and their rules, (b) don't crowd a small hospital room with too many guests, (c) while it is permissible to ask for updates personally, don't bombard those grieving with a constant need for information, (d) if you are not a close friend (interact with the person weekly or have a relationship that spans over ten years) or family member, wait for public announcements when the sufferer is ready to tell others of their condition, and (e) do whatever you can to communicate your solidarity with your loved one, but let the medical staff, professional care-givers, spiritual counselors, and close family and friends do their job.

3. Focus on quality, not quantity of help.

Most people think that they can best love and serve those who are suffering by doing a great amount of activity. For close friends and family members who are uniquely positioned to provide a large amount of help, this is true. But, for most, it is more helpful to the those suffering to focus on one or two significant things. As a pastor, I focus on prayer, comfort, and counsel as I deem it necessary for a given situation. I don't pretend to be a medical professional. As a friend, it is probably most helpful to be attentive to the needs of the sufferer, have a listening ear, and respond in meaningful ways based on the friendship. In this, it is important to maintain consistent and faithful help during the entirety of sufferers experience. If a person is caring for a parent with Alzheimer's disease, the road is long. A number of small visits will probably be more effective long term than one long one. Conversely, if a person is having a one-off surgery, it is important to act quickly before and after the surgery to show your care. For the sake of the person suffering, focus on high quality, meaningful assistance rather than a large amount of mediocre help.

4. When in doubt, give money.

In a Biblical book that outlines wisdom, it says, "Bread is made for laughter, and wine gladdens life, and money answers everything." (Ecclesiastes 10:19). The writer isn't saying that money is the most important thing in our lives or that we should nourish greed. The wisdom teacher is simply stating a fact. Money is versatile and can be used for anything. In many cases, we are clueless how to provide help. This sense of helplessness shouldn't keep us from action. When this occurs, give money to the sufferer, their family, or a foundation they have set up. Money can't replace love, care, and affection, but it is a clear signal to the sufferer that you are willing to sacrifice for them.

5. Don't just say you are praying, really pray.

As a pastor, I hear a number of people say to those who are suffering, "I am praying for you." However, I haven't witnessed as many people actually pray. Prayer isn't a last resort like a "Hail Mary" at the end of a football game. It is a quarterback's microphone connected to the coach's headset that he cries out, "Coach! I need to know the next play!" Prayer isn't empty, meaningless words said into thin air. That is, unless they aren't said to a specific deity. Prayer is calling down something greater than ourselves and begging for its power. I heard of a God who was once called upon by a man before his death and three days later, he was raised from it. Like a telephone, prayer works if you dial the right number. Don't just tell someone in pain that you are praying for them. Pick up the phone, dial correctly, and beg for help.